As I walked into the building for my scheduled ultrasound, I saw a man sitting on a bench watching me go in. "You're too nice of a person to be going in there," he remarked as I passed by. I thought, "Cancer doesn't care, and who is to say I'm all that nice?" The ultrasound testified what the mammogram had already shown. Of course there was a mass there. I had been feeling it for the past month or more, telling myself this was just that recalcitrant left breast acting up again, putting on a show and threatening with yet another scare tactic. After the last ultrasound on this breast, a year or more ago, the technician told me that these abnormalities occurred sometimes when women ate too much chocolate. A price, I considered, to be small indeed.
But I wasn't kidding myself today; it was different. I felt foolish, chagrined; ashamed. I have heard the tales of many a woman, disclosing that she had breast cancer. I had seen them go through treatments, mastectomies and even death. I felt sorry for all those women but looked upon their affliction as something I could not "catch". "I will never get cancer," I decided. Those words, even spoken in my mind, I now see as perfect folly, even fanciful; a mistaken notion of how this old world goes 'round. The sadder but wiser me has since conceded: "Never presume or say what will not be; you do not know." Honestly this is not the first time in my life I have owned this bitter truth.
April 27 - A BIRTH AND A DIAGNOSIS
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| Pals from college, Doug and JerryJensen, Branding Day |
It just so happened that biopsy crunch time occurred around calving, branding, working the steers and...the birth of a new granddaughter. My head was in a whirl, my insides in a turmoil. A sudden flash of inspiration struck and told me to get the biopsy out of the way on the morning of the 27th, and head down to Utah to see the new baby. Juliette was born by scheduled C-section as I lay on the diagnostic table.
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| Juliett with cousin Ammon, who arrived March 16 |
On the car ride down, I thanked my lucky stars and felt I could relax for the next few days with Livvy's family. Thus two beginnings emerged in one day; unmistakable markings of "tender mercies" .
BETWIXT AND BETWEEN
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| Home Ranch, Gentile Valley, Thatcher, Idaho |
In our modern world, any person can look up their own medical chart, conveniently on a smart phone, and find the answers to diagnostic tests that same day. This is really a demonic proposition. You may think you want to know immediately, but I assure you this will NOT be a blessing to you. I did this twice in my cancer journey and suffered needlessly. If you ever see someone wielding that weapon, speak calmly and direct them to "hand over the gun". Wait... long enough to talk it all over with your oncologist. The evening Juliett was born, I peeked and saw my diagnosis: "Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, provisional Nottingham grade 2." I began to descend into the swirling world of anxiety that tossed me around until the day I began chemotherapy.
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| High Spring Waters |
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| Megan's 40th Old Folks Party, April 2024 |
WHAT IS FAITH?
I wish I could say that during this time, all my past faith filled experiences and all the great scriptures about faith that I had learned over the years rushed into my mind and filled me with the peace I needed. Instead I found that my faith was comprised of one thing: that I could pray.
Most nights I could not sleep until I took myself to another room to kneel on a soft couch and begin my pleas for help. Mercifully, I could get calm enough to close my eyes for some sleep. To my Father in Heaven's credit, he did not chastise me when I repeated this night after night. One night, after a particularly horrendous day (need I rehearse what this feels like to those of you who know how crippling and horror filled anxiety can be) I lay in bed, prostrate and pleading, when finally there came words, drumming into my head: "Be still, and know that I am God."
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| Ammon |
When I awoke in the morning, my fear was vanished; my soul quiet. I was filled with gratitude! Eventually I began searching for scriptures and stories that would help me understand more about faith and how it related to my cancer; I started jotting things in a notebook. Fear vs faith is real. You could say that cancer is where some good schooling occurs on matters of faith. In this sense, it is a gift.
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| Petunias sprang up in my greenhouse, growing and flourishing there the entire summer without my intervention. I call them: "Hope in Pink". |
MOSTLY A BREEZE
If you are going to have cancer, then I advise you to know someone who has gone through similar hardships. Hopefully this will be someone you trust and love. I knew two such people who had "seen it all", Jesus, and my husband, Doug.
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| Winter feeding |
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| "I'm Dreaming of a white Christmas" Santa and the frogs. |
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| Final mortgage payment of the Ranch, January, 2024 |
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| The devil's work; I helped |
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| with Wesley |
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| Building hot tub platform |
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| On a wing and a prayer; the swather |
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| Elise and Bennett study the swather with grandpa |
Doug had captured a mere glimpse of the Savior's sufferings, when he was diagnosed with leukemia (AML) in '95. His miseries, told and untold, included weeks in hospital beds, total body radiation and chemotherapy so vile, he describes it as "toxic waste" followed by devastating bodily weakness and abhorrence to food. When Doug tells his story of how his doctor extracted bone marrow from his pelvic bones, the torture chambers of "The Princess Bride" come to mind. When you look into the eyes of someone who has "descended below all things", there is peace in those eyes. How can this be? I cannot say. The day I came home after my first diagnostic procedures, understanding full well what they meant, I collapsed into Doug's arms. "What are you afraid of? That you'll die?" Well, yes. "You're not going to die, Peggy. You'll go through some things, but you will mostly breeze through this." A couple weeks later when I was informed that I was to begin cancer treatments with a round of chemotherapy because of my high "Onco" score, Doug assured me that "my" chemo would be like "Kool Aid" in my veins; his had been "round-up".
A DREAM
The dream was short and disconcerting. In early June of '22, ( one year ago) around my father's birthday, (June 8) I dreamed of him.
I saw only his face; it was bent low and sorrowing, until he saw me watching him. Then his face came up to look into mine; I watched his sad features turn into a smile, that signature smile of his, of bright, shining eyes. This was the smile I had seen so many times in my life. It was the smile reserved for a funny little joke or a happy secret he could hardly wait to tell.
I am sorry to say, I did not take the dream as a comfort. I knew I was "in for it" and tried to put it out of my mind, but I knew that it was preparing me for something to come.
LOOK REALITY IN THE FACE AND DENY IT; ALASKA
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| Victoria |
During the "betwixt and between" times, Doug and I went on an Alaskan Inside Passage cruise. We had booked it months in advance and talked about cancelling it to get started with cancer treatments a little earlier, but my Surgeon encouraged us to go, saying it wouldn't make any difference. In the meantime, Jacob and Sofia had seen an advertisement for a cruise to Alaska, and it happened to be ours! We were elated at the prospect of having their company and looked forward to this time together.
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| White Mountain Pass from Scagway |
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| Mendenhall Glacier |
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| Juneau |
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| Jacob and Sofia living it up. |
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| Happy Birthday Sofia, May 22 |
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| Old rivals; a laugh fest |
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| Ketchican; we saw a mama black bear and two cubs. |
I was amazed at what that trip did for my anxieties; they practically disappeared.
COOL COINCIDENCES AND KOOL AID
June 5 was the day set for my first chemo treatment. Preparing for bed the night before, Doug was suddenly melancholy. He had been so upbeat. I asked him what was wrong and he said, "Tomorrow is June fifth." "I know, June fifth, the day I begin chemo," I responded. "Well," he said, "June fifth is the day I went to the doctor and found out I had leukemia." This was an anniversary of heavy memories for Doug, bringing back the "creeps" from his past ordeal. As I thought about it for a minute, I came to the conclusion that his June fifth and my June fifth signaled a connection between us. I took it as a comfort, realizing that Doug was like my "forerunner" and had blazed this trail for me.
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| Feeding steers |
At this very moment, I noticed something rare happening: the moon in the western sky was shining directly into our basement bedroom window. This took me back to the night Doug and I had decided to marry. Doug had left my house in Alpine and as I lay on my bed that night, a full moon shone down on me through my window, bathing me with light and a joy I cannot describe. Now the sensation was being repeated, but miraculously through our basement window. I had not thought this to be possible, but it was happening right now. It was a miracle for me.
I had previously met with my oncologist, Dr. Michael Francisco, the same doctor who had seen and treated Doug on that fateful June day back in 1995. Twenty-eight years ago, to this very day, Dr. Francisco had met a young 35 year old rancher who became his first leukemia patient. Smart, sassy, short on words and bedside manner, this New York native had brought Doug through the darkest days of his life. Now he was my doctor, even more savvy, but with the same, somewhat cocky, bedside manner. "One in eight women gets breast cancer; we know how to treat it." Just a pretty little statistic, that's me, I thought. When Doug showed up at my first appointment, the two got reacquainted and the New-York -straight-talker-doctor was dumb founded. He left the exam room, calling out, "Hey everybody, come and see Doug Porter. I treated him 28 years ago and he looks great!"
Now today was my June 5 reckoning .
Doug had been the first, I was the last. Francisco had "cut his teeth" on Doug, and he was perhaps "chewing with dentures" when he finished up with me, retiring at the end of 2023, at the finish of my treatments.
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| June 5 |
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| Thank you Sofia and Sage |
Some unknowns would begin today. None of us knew what to expect; we were hoping for the best. The worst never really happened. Sofia came with me and stayed a couple of days; then Katherine and Tyrell came up with their children. As it turned out, I had surprisingly few troubles, aside from the mild nausea and tummy troubles at first. Though a little tired, we did some fishing and four wheeling. I tended the babies in the truck while the family helped Doug with a short cattle drive.
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| Trey |
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| Caleb |
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| William |
COME AND GET YOUR LOVE
I took a trip to Texas in mid June to see Sally and her family after that first treatment. I was feeling up for a fun time.
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| Unda da sea wit Sebastian (Lissi) |
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| Elise and Millie |
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| Paper plate bonnets |
While there, my hair began falling out in large clumps every time I put the brush to it. I couldn't stand the slow descent into baldness, so I commissioned Sally to shave my head and told her to put on some music; it turned into kind of a party with "Come and Get Your Love!" Watching your grandma's hair come off in this way was funny, and pathetic, but earned me some hugs and laughs.
It was a bold new look, for sure, a look that I have tolerated with a level of dignified resignation. I grew accustomed to the light weight "babushka" slapped on my head every morning of the summer.
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| Paulo's grandchildren |
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| Growing Juliette |
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| With Sally and Bennett |
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| Sunday sing along with brother, Paulo, Stephen and Seth |
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| Me and my "Baiana" dolls |
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| Sage and Cora |
Eventually the scarves gave way to warm crochet caps, gifts from the Pocatello Cancer Center, that I gratefully wore home. All these months I have envied every woman because of her beautiful hair. Hair is amazingly versatile, giving warmth when it's cold outside, and cooling your scalp and face when the weather's hot. As my hair has started to grow back, everyone can see it's progress; but as for me, it always seems to be at a standstill!
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| Christmas Morning; two look alikes |
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| Cinnamon rolls with Megan's (Koehler) help. Christmastime. |
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| Happy Birthday |
Lydia, the honest one, asked if I was ever going to grow it long again, and looked at me steadily with profound doubt written all over her face, when I told her that I intended to grow my hair back to a nice length. Even she thinks it will never happen.
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| Lydia |
THUMB A NOSE
Livvy came in late June to go to my second chemo with me, bringing along baby Jules.
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| Rosie leads the way for Eliza on "Wrench" |
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| Daisy gets a hug |
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| Juliett's blessing day (July 2) |
Mid-July saw me through the third chemo and Sally arrived with her children later that week to cheer things up.
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| "Side by side" ride on the range with Gerald, Doug's best pal |
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| Sally, Millie, Bennett, Elise floating the Bear River, our backyard. |
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| Dress up mania |
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| Elise and Scooter |
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| Millie hanging out with the swather |
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| Bennett and grandpa cruising the summer range |
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| Princess lilies |
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| Best spot, best view |
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| Sally and Bennett |
August 7 was to be my 4th and last chemo and took place just a few days before we left for the Uinta Mountains, our Blacks Fork campout with my children The nurse had warned me that each treatmeant would make me feel worse. Every time I would hear such warnings I felt like "thumbing my nose" and saying: "Well that won't be the case with me." If feeling worse means feeling sick, then it didn't apply to me, but I did begin feeling the effects of neuropathy after the 3rd go around, with pain in my fingernails, toes, ears and legs. Food tasted disgusting, like metal, for the most part. I begged Dr. Francisco to decrease my dosage for the 4th go, telling him that I liked playing the piano. He did decrease it, but my neuropathy went up a notch anyway. Getting ready for the mountains wore me out, but being in the mountains was refreshing, even if I did have to settle for just half a hike, turning around when my legs told me they weren't going to put up with it, even if I said so.
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| Molly |
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| Juliett |
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| The reason he came. |
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| Wesley, hatchet happy |
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| Breakfast, the little girls |
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| Here fishy fishy |
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| Megan: LM Montgomery on the banks of the Blacks |
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| The big girls |
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| We know how to play games, eat and keep dry; it's all about the tarp |
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| Little Miss "I love to go a wandering", Eliza |
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| Molly, Rosie, Evie, Gwen, Lucy |
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| Grandpa teaches Sunday School |
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| Singing in "church" |
FLAT OUT MIRACULOUS
Doctor Francisco told me there was an element to the cancer that was unknown, scaring me and saying perhaps it was a "bad actor", and it would remain to be seen. So when he measured the tumor before my second chemo and told me it had shrunk considerably, and was softening, we were so happy. When he checked me again before the third chemo, he said the tumor could not be felt. I kept wondering aloud if he would continue with the four treatment plan, but he didn't let me off the hook. I just had this feeling the chemo treatments were a little too much "overkill", but in the end I submitted to it all. Now it was time for surgery. Surgery? To remove a tumor that wasn't there? Another ultrasound and another MRI confirmed this. But to surgery I got, on September 1, to examine all the margins around where the tumor had been. Dr. Katie Fritz, a real encourager for me this entire time, did the surgery. And here's where I made a gigantic goof. Later that night, I looked up my surgery report on "MyChart", read it, misconstrued literally everything, and thought I was going to die. I was so upset, so mad at the whole process I had been through, thought it a farce, and proceeded to fall apart for a few days until my appointment with Dr. Fritz the next week.
HIS FACE
I was trying not to let fear rule, but it was a roller coaster. One day I "heard" a question being asked of me. It was this: "Would you give your life for your children and grandchildren?"
In this moment, I felt Jesus's gaze on me. "Yes", I replied. "Would you give it for individuals who don't really care about you?" "Yes." We looked at one another. I felt a shift in me and a different kind of trust.
When I finally made it back to Dr. Fritz's office , she told me that not only did I get to keep my breast, but that the pathological reports from surgery came back clean. My clinical response had been excellent; now the pathological response too. The fact that I never faced a mastectomy was unbelievable to me; I had thought it to be inevitable. I couldn't even comprehend this blessing fully. But it felt like it was time to celebrate and rejoice. Doug and I went on a little trip to our favorites: Yellowstone and Cody, Wyoming.
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| Grand Teton, Colter Bay |
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| Norris Geyser Basin |
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| Driving into Cody |
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| Chief Joseph Highway, leaving Cody |
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| Mammoth, Yellowstone |
Going through six weeks of radiation, starting at the end of September, I couldn't comprehend the blessings I received through that process, either. Though warned by my radiation oncologist that I would be tired, I never felt that drag on my body. Instead, I was strong and kept up with my routines through the fall months.
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| Round-up for shipping steers, August |
In November, just as radiation finished, we headed back down to Texas to spend Thanksgiving with Sally's family.
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| Elise sets a table |
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| Millie takes a lesson; grandma's rolls |
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| Clever, turkey napkins |
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| Millie know how |
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| Serenading with Christmas Carols; Bennett |
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| John Wayne and the Cowboy |
Fort Worth, Stockyards
I felt dazed, almost, with the strength I felt, together with so many other blessings. I started to remember (time and again) Daddy's face in the dream. I remembered how it changed from sadness to joy and encouragement!
I was ever so grateful but must admit I was also "confused at the grace that so fully He proffers me." "I thank thee..." started every prayer now. But how can one ever be thankful enough? It was something I had to counsel about with Doug. How could I deserve such blessings and how did they come about?
I thought of the prayers and fasting offered in my behalf by my children, grandchildren, friends and family of all sorts. I thought of the prayers offered up in temples. I thought of the first blessing I received at the hands of my son Jacob, and son-in-law, Aaron, in those first dark days of diagnosis.
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| Aaron, Jacob, |
Tyrell. Work on hot tub platform.
I thought of Doug and the tender way he had seen me through the rough patches. I thought of the goodness of God and how He had strengthened me and allowed me to heal as per that first blessing. I thought of inspirations I received to help myself. I thought of my parents, doing what they could to comfort me, watch over me, love me and bless me during some difficult nights.
I thought of the faith of little children, my grandchildren. One May morning, while Jayni and her children were visiting, Evie, age 7 , cornered me in the basement as I was doing laundry She had something in her hand, a note with drawings on it. "I'm sorry you have the cancer, Grandma," her face calm and angelic; then hurried on to say: "I know you're going to be healed because my family is praying for you."
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| Evie, Gwen, Molly |
Today I think of the joys and privileges of life and being a part of this family, Doug's and mine; of being parents and watching our children being parents; I think of the grace and innocence in the eyes of our grandchildren; I think of our ranch, it's beautiful surroundings, the animals and the work that invigorates us. I think of the really nice people I have met, cancer patients, who inspired me and taught me about courage; I think about of our Savior, carrying His heavy cross only to face more suffering at the top of the hill; I'm thinking I've got to sometimes carry a piece of that cross, whatever portion He might ask me to carry. As He helps me, I can shoulder this "light affliction, which is but a moment."
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| Summer s'mores, Wes, Sage, Lucy |
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| Summer range mamas and babies |
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| Cowboy Bennett, off into the sunset... |
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| Pre-Christmas Christmas. Texans need these hats! |
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| "Santy Goes West"; Doug's family Christmas party |
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| Doug and his children Windy, Christie, Rusty, Rick |
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| Doug's "greats" |
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| Christmas Eve, Sunday best hair. |
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| Katherine and family |
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| Gwen, Rosie, Evie; sugar plums |
SCRIBBLINGS AND SCRIPTURES
*2 Corinthians 4: 17, 18 "For our light affliction, which is but a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory."
*Doctrine and Covenants 63: 66 "These things remain to overcome with patience, that such may receive a more exceeding weight of glory, otherwise, a greater condemnation. Amen.
*If our Father in Heaven loves us, and desires to give His children good gifts, will I recognize them? Will I receive them?
*What can help me overcome fear? Prayer, sleep, angels, exercise, blessings, scriptures, temple, acting on impressions of how to take care of my body. Follow through.
*Be believing. Mosiah 4. Remember God's promises, and that His miracles are here.
* Trust. Jesus will walk with me. He will calm my storms so I can walk safely on water with Him.
*The mustard seed. Baby steps. Do something today. Receive something today.
*Giving thanks. Prayers of gratitude are so uplifting; an entire blessing in themselves. Don't forget to say "thank you". Can I be made whole through gratitude? (Luke 17)
*Doctrine and Covenant 123:17 "Let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power and then may we stand still, with utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed." There is much we can do that lies in our own power; do it.
*Mosiah 24: 15 "And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord."
*Mosiah 3:19... " For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father."
*Mark 10:51 "What wilt thou that I should do unto thee?...Lord that I might receive my sight....Thy faith hath made thee whole." The Lord is asking me what I want from Him; what are my requests? Ask.
* Isaiah 41: 10 "Fear thou not; for I am with thee; be not dismayed; for I am thy God; I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee."
*Doctrine and Covenants 6: 5 "Therefore, if you will ask of me you shall receive, if you will knock, it shall be opened unto you."
*Signs are not faith. Alma 32: 21 "Faith is not a perfect knowledge of things, therefore if ye have faith, ye HOPE for things which are not seen, which are true." v 27: desire to believe. v43: wait for the fruit with patience. Though signs are not faith, miracles and mercies do accompany the faithful and believing....and having Hope, is having Faith.
*2 Corinthians 1: 3-5 "Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ." God comforts us, then we comfort someone else.
*The Savior descended below all things that he might "succor" me. He took upon Him my sickness and pains. Alma 7: 11-12
* In His strength I can do all things... and sing the song of redeeming love. Alma 26: 12, 13
*"...for all flesh is in mine hands; be still and know that I am God." Doctrine and Covenants 101:16
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| Brooklyn |
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| The view from up here. Trey and Sage. |
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| Sage, the swather princess, coming to grandpa's rescue. |
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| Riding between the windrows, Sagie |
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| Pioneer Heritage Park...and the pioneers |
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| 2023 - Thanks for the miracles. Ammon and Juliett |
I considered not detailing this part of my "cancer journey" but I've changed my mind. This has been a revelatory experience and the most important part of what has aided my healing. When you are set down with a cancer diagnosis, it's bewildering and frightening and you feel so lost. But I know that you can be guided with inspiration about what to do next. And believe me, there is always a next. I list here a few things here that helped me a little, and then a lot. I seemed to have done pretty well through the noxious treatments, comparing myself with other breast cancer patients. Having said this, it's not over for me yet. I am still very much in the learning phase and praying for guidance to help me be strong in general and to do all I can to fend off cancer.
1. Book: "The Emotion Code" helped me explore and understand more about "muscle testing" and clearing emotions that cause or contribute to illness in the body. Another blessing of MUSCLE TESTING is that you can quickly identify what works for your body and what doesn't; what is helping you and what is hurting you.
2. SQUARE ONE with Chris Wark., a stage 4 colon cancer survivor. Modules take you through treatment plans; everything from juicing, diet, fasting, supplements, etc. Chris is fantastic at instilling hope and motivation.
3. NAET ( NAET.com) involves muscle testing and acupressure. A practitioner in Logan helped me; you can find certified NAET persons in your zip code if you go the website. Look for those certified with the most credentials. I was able to "clear", very successfully, my allergies/sensitivities to eggs, wheat, other grains, nuts, and certain fats, so that my body could hold onto the nutrition I gave it, more importantly, to stop inflammatory processes in the gut that could aggravate cancer cells. In addition, I had treatments to help me tolerate chemo, radiation, estrogen and to sustain my stem cells that fell dramatically with the chemo treatments. This is just a tip of the iceberg. NAET has amazed me and I continue to visit my practitioner, who helps me find out what else is needed to fight cancer cells that pop up, or anything sinister from my environment that is weakening my body. Also, there is much I can do at home to help myself.
4."GROUNDING", or "Earthing" works to decrease inflammation, so prevalent in our modern world. Grounding is easy and economical. I sleep on a grounding mat and it has a relaxing energy to it.
5. BOOK Hope for Cancer; 7 Principles to Remove Fear and Empower Your Healing Journey, by Dr. Antonio Jimenez (Founder of Hope for Cancer treatment centers). This was a mind blowing book with information packed into it, starting with a discussion about what cancer is. It discusses diagnosis, many treatment modalities, supplements, emotional implications, spiritual guidance. It was a peaceful read and was a catalyst to propel me into further searching.
6. JASON WEST CLINiC Pocatello Idaho. Jason is a third generation practitioner, owning and operating this clinic. He is a 'vessel of knowledge" , constantly studying and offering a wide variety of extremely successful modalities and supplements. I jumped on board with Jason after my conventional cancer treatments and received some IV treatments over a ten week period. I had learned about this in the Hope for Cancer book. Getting to know Jason has boosted me to feel much less vulnerable about cancer showing up again. He is truly in my corner and has restored a good portion of my peace going forward.
7. Website: Healing Strong.org Another website offering a variety of podcasts. Excellent.
8. EWG Healthy Living app. Very user friendly and you can find in minutes what products are non toxic: skin care, hair care, cleaning products, food. This was very eye opening, to find out that most of the products I use are really not good for me, especially when I'm trying to keep estrogen low and cancer cells from having a hay day.
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